... l A revue comedian handed a double-crown poster to his j landlady. What do you think of that he exploded, j Why, what's wrong j Can't you sec, woman Look at this stalls 9 d. j Good gracious, have they j put the prices up again I ...

... The Right Remark with the right intent Is a -wonderful thing, forsooth. Rut it breeds antipathy and dissent If it hasn't the ring of truth. Noiv honestly, dear, you -weren't to blame. It's only because she's shy. It's only a scratch. It's only a game!. (It's only a dirty lie.) Oh sir, you aren't in the least bit old! Of course you can bring the dogs Considering, she was as good as ...

... I planned a wife of sweet docility Meek as a moth (the candle being me She'd be a background to my shining self, She'd be so grateful to escape the shelf And, quietly busy with her household cares, Attend my wants, cock snook to world affairs, She'd never make up in a public place Why, powder scarce should film her candid face My changeling love is busy at her glass (We're late but I have ...

... In verse the rose is the sup reme floral species, invaluable for likening heroines to. From the vast poetry of roses, we select: A WHITE ROSE The red rose whispers of passion, And the white rose breathes of love; Oh, the red rose is a falcon And the white rose is a dove. But I send you a cream-white rosebud With a flush on its petal tips; For the love that is purest and sweetest Has a kiss of ...

... Tlw d^k Social M Alphabet for Question Answer Now, Sir, sit down and have a drink, No, that's the better chair oh. -well A little -warmer, don't you think? This is complete and utter Hell, The knees are -wax, the brain is pulp. I -wondered if you'd sort of {cough) If you object, of course 1 (gulp) Iladn't I better call it off Which -what I were to ask about Mop brow, smile weakly, start ...

... The Social I Alphabet 0 for the wings of a dove I have you fast by the buttonhole Your groans will not avail, So pull up a chair, and stretch your ears And hark to a traveller's tale. We caught the bus from the terminal At a quarter to frosty four; They'd given us tea (to cheer our hearts) And bacon and eggs galore. Two hours of Hell on die Great West Road, And the airport hove to view. So we ...

... HISTORICAL FOOTISOTE A hapless wight Was King Canute His demonstration Bore no fruit. Because he would not Move his seat Of course he wet The royal feet. And though the story Wasn't told, He must have caught A royal cold. --PRENDERGAST ...

... NOW, just one moment, driver, while I do a little sum. There 's six-and-ninepence showing as the fare. I got in at Victoria apparently you 've come Via Wimbledon to get to Russell Square. But never mind the ride was most enjoyable, no doubt Except when you collided with that lorry. And now you must have patience while I work the whole thing out I was never any good at maths., I 'm sorry. Two ...

... . by FRANCIS KINSMAN A morsel of advice, my pet, Upon a point of etiquette. Good coffee should be everybody knows) As black as night, as hot as Hell, As sweet as stolen kiss Alas for those who drink it any other way but this. No Deb's Delight Or Socialite Would live to tell the tale. Taking after-dinner coffee -white Is quite Beyond the Pale. What zvas that word I heard you say Of ...

... The W7 Social Alphabet _l_ foT kettle of fis/l I creep along the river bank, All camouflaged and clueless. I've tottered out To catch a trout In water-meadows set about With coivs, serenely mooless. A lark is carolling above, The woods are greenly distant. The heat is hot, And what a lot Of midges in this happy spot So touchingly insistent I spy a flsli his body ivaves In slow, voluptuous ...

... b.v FRANCIS KINSMAN Mrs. Jerome, At Home, On Saturday, the First of June, at six o'clock, for sherry The prospect isn't in the slightest degree merry. For Mrs. J's. friends are eighty per cent lame-duck intellectuals, And twenty per cent clay-feet ineffectuals. And everybody will either be a has-been, or a can't-be. or a shouldn't -do- it-to^a-dog, Or a fellow-traveller, travelling incog. They ...

... by 1'HAXtiS KIS1SMA1V I have arrived at the dance. The looking-glass has received its last backward glance Swift, yes, but long enough to tell me that there is not enough starch in my tie. Maybe by and by The worry of whether I'm going to be on form, of whether I'm going to enjoy myself, of whether I've had a close enough shave' 11 Stop resolving itself into a disquieting sensation in the ...