... VUMLt squeak AFTER a lively evening with the boys he tottered home distinctly the worse for wear. Getting ready for bed, he noticed a red-nosed, sick-looking individual in the mirror. Get out I he shouted. Get out fc or I'll hit you at once with my umbrella! -fa There was no reply, so he raised the weapon and smashed the mirror into a thousand pieces. Sorry, old chap, sorry he apolo gised, but ...

... mMit 66 squeak Compiled by Jay Jay AFTER the cautious player had been in for nearly half an hour without scoring a run, the fielders were beginning to get annoyed. His gentle play at last grew so pronounced that they closed within a few feet of him, and waited eagerly for the catch. X The light was beginning to fail. It was essential that his wicket should X fall before the time came to draw ...

... VmBLl 66 Squ&AK Compiled by Jay Jay A MAN who had had a series of second-hand cars and had trouble of one sort and another with most of them, was talking to a friend. I can't understand it, he said. You 've had second-hand cars just as I have, but you never seem to have any trouble with them. And after .JL. all, you know very little about cars certainly no more than I do. His friend smiled. ...

... BWB it 66 squeak R|0 W, this is kind of you, my dear, said the wealthy woman to the little daughter of her poor relations as she took the parcel containing a Christmas gift. I wonder whatever it can be I think it 's a fish, said the child, -fg A fish, dear? echoed the lady, in surprise. Yes, I 'm sure it 's a fish, the child assured her. Daddy said it was a sprat to catch a mackerel. ...

... TWO Irishmen were sitting in a bar. They were arguing and getting nowhere. The more they argued, the more they drank and the more they drank, the more they argued. yL. Suddenly Pat said Mike, so help me, I see snakes, and one is crawling X right round your head. And he grabbed a beer bottle and hit Mike over the head with it. Mike shook his head and in a half-stupor said Hit it again, Pat. I ...

... s By William Emms RUBBISH! barked Pembleton, glaring at the little man who had suggested that bad memory runs in families. You could hardly say, he remarked, catching the eyes of such members as were within range, that absent-mindedness is a trait of my family, yet my nephew Clarence-- Clarence Pembleton, the author-- suffers acutely from this complaint. in fact, he gets so wrapped up in ...

... mm squeak Compiled by Jay Jay A MAN was driving past a lake in a park at a time when the park attendants were putting swans, geese and ganders into the water. Interested, he parked his car and sauntered over to the water's edge, joining several other onlookers, k As one of the attendants opened a crate and released some birds, he i. said I say, how do you know which are the geese and which are ...

... WMLl squeak A SAILOR on his way out of the docks approached a policeman and said con fidentially Will it be O.K. if I bring out some tobacco to-morrow I 'II make it all right with you. Right-ho I replied the policeman. But the next day when he saw the sailor he stopped him and had him searched. Thought better of it, eh he chuckled on discovering nothing. Oh, no, answered the sailor, also ...

... mm 66 sqvjiak I THE scientist was lecturing on the auditory nerve. He had a flea as an exhibit which he put on his right hand and bade it jump to his left. It jumped, then jumped back again in response to a second command. Carefully he removed the flea's hind-legs. -jg Jump right I he commanded. Jump left! But the flea did not budge. The lecturer beamed on his audience. This proves ...

... mm- squ£AK Compiled by Jay Jay SLOWLY the bookie counted out the pound notes into the old lady's wrinkled hands. Lady, he said. I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the winner The old lady looked a little bewildered. i Really, she said, I don't know myself. I just stuck a pin in the X paper and well, there it was. The bookie took a deep breath. That's all very well, ...

... wMLt squeak Compiled by Jay Jay A PARTY of clergymen were attending a Presbyterian conference in Scotland. Several of them set off to explore the district. Presently they came to a river spanned by a temporary bridge and, not observing the notice that the bridge was unsafe, they started to cross it. The bridge-keeper ran after them in protest. It s all right, declared A the spokesman, not ...

... WtB it 66 SQ\}BAY. BOASTING of his musical ability, he said When I was a boy our town was hit by a flood. My father hopped on to a bed and floated downstream to safety. But what, asked a listener, has that to do with your musical ability Well, explained the other, I accompanied him on the piano. WALKING along with a little boy was a very poor-looking mongrel dog. A passer-by stopped to pat ...