... Real-life lottery that stretched our belief BY TARA CONLAND If Noel Coward had been alive today, chances are he would be singing: Don't put your daughter in a docu-soap Mrs Worth ington. For some, fly-on-the-walls lead to success and their own series, but most emerge in a less favourable light than that cast in McDonald's loos. So I did not hold out much hope when I saw producer Andre ...

... BY TARA CONLAN Having spent the last week in Austria, where the only television stations available were CNN and the German language Orf 1 and Orf 2, I was gasping for the TV remote when I returned to the UK. As my German does not I go very far and most of Orf 1 seems to consist of reruns of I a version of Hercules in which the hero wins his battles using a giant frankfurter, I spent most of my ...

... Green cuts a dash in swordsmanship saga By HARRY VENNING Being casting director for (TV drama must be the easiest job in the world, If the leading character is a man over 40, you give the rote to John Thaw. If it is a man under 40, you give it to Robson Green. If the lead is a woman, you eet the part rewritten for a man so that Thaw or Green can play it. Perhaps I am mellowing in my old age ...

... Frightening vision of pop's monstrosities BY HARRY VENNING Until his dying day, my father could not bring himself to forgive Teddy Johnson for introducing a whistling interlude into Sing Little Birdie, the legendary duet with Pearl Carr which represented the UK at the 1958 Eurovision Song Contest. Based on no evidence at all, father maintained that we were coasting to victory up until the ...

... Spoilt adventures of a stroppy Madame By HARRY VENNING Is this passion? Emma Bovary asked her husband, mid-coitus, on their wedding night. No, it's crown green bowling, you silly cow or some similar response is how most men might react to such a stupid and ill-timed question. Charles Bovary, however, chose to ignore both the question and the warning bells accompanying it. Madame Bovary ...

... Oh Ricky, you were so fine BY HARRY VENNING So, farewell Ricky Butcher. Your departure was more or less inevitable after Bianca left The Square. Ricky without Bianca was like Ernie without Eric, Garfunkel without Simon, Ridgeley without Michael. She was the light of his life, and her absence rendered him dimmer than ever. With a malice that was as enthusiastic as it was undeserved, the ...

... RATINGS WATCH BY BEN DOWELL FOR WEEK ENDING APRIL 16 'Tis good to see the oldies getting a run for their money. First David Jason's Frost tops the drama outing, putting those uppity little snappers the Bad Girls in their place. And then there was Louis Theroux's interview with the 73-year-old Jimmy Savile. Age certainly got the better of smart-arsery there. Sadly, though. Monsignor Renard fell ...

... This cod lacked conviction BY HARRY VENNING Everyone needs a role model when growing up, and mine was Raymond Chandler's fictional detective Philip Marlowe. Although living with my parents in suburban Rayners Lane and attending a boys grammar school provided little opportunity for rescuing dames, trading punches with hoodlums and wisecracking in the face of piano wire tension, I nevertheless ...

... Warming to Cold Feet clones By Tara Conlan At the rate high street banks are closing their branches, will kids be turning to their mothers in ten years time saying: Mummy, why are bank holidays called bank holidays? My Internet and phone banking account is always open. Perhaps they will be renamed j Call Centre Holidays in order to make them more relevant to the youth of 2010. Of course, we ...

... Uncomfortable portrait of isolated lives inside By Harry Venning My friend Geoff, who earns more money than is decent, recently cried off Sunday morning football, blaming a previous engagement. When questioned, he sheepishly admitted that he was going to attend the Lotus Drivers' Annual Rally and Picnic instead. A Lotus drivers convention is, I am sure you will agree, a vision of hell worthy ...

... Eurovision of loveliness when compared to BAFTA ceremony BY HARRY VENNING Just how many people were watching The Eurovision Song Contest 2000 (BBC1, Saturday, May 13, 8pm) was the subject of some debate on Saturday evening. Terry Wogan informed us that there were 300 million people currently glued to their screens, only to be contradicted almost immediately by host Kattis Ahlstrom, who put ...

... Tragic portrait of the eternal boy BY BEN DOWELL Two retrospectives this week: one of the very deceased pianist/gay icon Liberace, the other of still alive pain in the arts/gay icon Liz Taylor. And while Taylor was able to ham it all up behind refulgent light as she glossed over her life in this week's tawdry piece of sycophancy, poor Lee (or was that Lieb?), as he was known to his friends, ...